told you so

Yah yah yah, it's been three months. I even surpassed my own expectations. That's a first.
My own expectations have seemed to be the headline for consideration and worry in my head lately, maybe for even the past three months. I've been rethinking mostly where it is that I should be next year; should I stay here or go back to Calgary? It's weird...I thought this was a decision I would make only once. I thought when I chose Toronto, I was taking Calgary out of the equation for permanent year long residence for good. Now, seven months later, I'm not so sure.
It's been said before that dreams that do come true can be as unsettling as those that don't. I would argue, with more than a hint of pessimism, that this is true more often than not. At least, I think this is true for me. Having 'known' for so long where I wanted to go to school and what I wanted to do with my life, there is a considerable amount of build up and expectations that follows you around, that remains in the back of your mind. I think we throw ourselves into these dreams; we make them larger than life. We let them hold all the answers, and in our minds one event will just lead to the other, and the life we've always wanted will unfold infront of our eyes. Go to this city, go to this school, take this program, don't fail that class, forget about your creature comforts, keep looking ahead, keep going. I wish, I really wish, I could be like completely. In a way I have been, but my problem is that I keep looking back. It's like I'm driving away from a place, onto to the next thing, always looking in the rear view mirror. Everything that's coming at me I miss. The point is, what's familiar and old isn't always necessarily better. I have a hard time wrapping my head around that. I always have.
If I were to leave here, I would miss this place. I would miss the view, the walk down university, the empty subways, the restuarants, the variety, the water. There is a reason why I will always love this place, and I haven't forgotten that. I was mad for a while, and maybe I still am to a degree, that this wasn't everything I wanted it to be. It didn't meet my expectations -but I think that's the problem. I'm not as malleable -and neither are my expectations- as I think I should be.
What bothers me is that I think I've gotten used to sub-par. I think I've gotten used to my experiences falling below my expectations, because I view things that haven't fit my mold as a failure rather than a learning experience. It's quite narrow minded of my. More than that though, I think I'm afraid of really putting myself out there, really walking a thin line and teetering on the edge, to be really successful in what I want. Cause when you're that far out, you've got a long way to fall. And the problem is that I don't see myself avoiding that fall; I don't see myself with the capacity to not look down and just look ahead.
I've got a lot more to mull over, but I think at least one thing has become clear. Whether I leave Toronto, go to Calgary, or stay here, whatever I'm trying to get away from won't go away no matter what I do. When I stop running I will still be faced with myself, and I think that's where the real progress needs to be made.
Over these past seven months, over my past 18 years, I've had some really, really incredible moments. They are the kind of moments that make you blink a couple times just to make sure that it's real; where you adjust your focus to make sure you're taking it all in, that everything is saved to memory. I've also had my share of bad moments, where I just wanted to crawl under the covers. But it was those great moments when clarity was most prominent, and I fully believed in my situation and where I was headed. Moments pass, but there will always be more of them.
When I'm on that road now, headed to the next thing, I know I can't keep looking behind me. Because in order for my moments of clarity to become hours, and hours to become days, and days to become my life, I just need to keep going.